Benign Neglect, Narcissism & Recovering from Abuse
One of the most common and destructive forms of abuse I come across in
clients is the consequence of what I call ‘benign neglect’.
It’s like the poison gas they used in trench warfare in WW2.
It’s invisible, quiet and deadly. Before you know it, you’re choking on
it and your very survival is at stake unless you have a gas mask to
protect yourself and even then you could be screwed.
this phenomenon in clients when they talk about their childhood
experiences, when seeking support to crack through an abuse patterning
this neglect legacy has imprinted into their bodies, psyche, emotional,
energetic and quantum systems.
Ironically, as we dig into the
wider quantum field via the body, emotions and what is currently showing
up in their lives, a gut wrenching and soul destroying sense of shame
sometimes reveals itself as the cloaking mechanism that protects them
from having to experience the profound levels of neglect or abuse they
experienced at a younger age, again.
On top of this shame, that
is difficult in of itself to penetrate, as it protects them from such
pain, sits a further survivor mechanism.
Pride that they made something of themselves and became who they are today.
This split helps compensate for the original trauma, by burying these
unaddressed feelings and hauling the person out of the pits of this
inner hell, to recover and make something of themselves.
Good on them.
The original wounding remains however.
It emits signals that influence a person’s life undetected, causing all sorts of chaos, upset and emotional mayhem.
The body and its quantum field of co-creation never lie.
Clients often present in a session as being a hapless victim of an
illness, reoccurring depression, an addiction, narcissistic abuse, a
neglectful friend and they just can’t seem to break out of it.
They have tried everything – you name it and yet the cycle persists, stuck to them like shit on a blanket.
The thing is, when a parent, caretaker or teacher isn’t able to offer
the child’s psyche at the time, the understanding, validation and
reparatory measures that could address the original issue, it is likely
that it imprints a form of ‘benign neglect’ into their system that
becomes their modus operandi of selfcare.
In addition, the child
may split off the aspect of themselves that was wounded and
insufficiently reinforced, validated and soothed, burying it as there
was not the sufficient mirroring of acceptance for that aspect of self
To split off from this pain and the associated
feelings that surround it, and bury it, is a natural defense mechanism
of the human psyche.
Benign neglect imbues children with a weak
core self, which in turn imprints their bodies with a low sense of worth
and entitlement to basic respect which in turn programmes their
personal aura to accept patterns of abuse from others that match the
original settings that have been cast in time.
These patterns appear to be passed on unconsciously and generationally.
Benign neglect of this kind tends to happen also when the parent isn’t
sufficiently connected to themselves and their own source of self love
so they can’t give their loving attention to a child and instead end up
inverting the parenting process forcing or seducing the child to give
them the attention, affection or love they never got.
subverts the flow of love and creates a reversal of polarities in the
child, so the child ends up parenting the parent at the tender age where
they should be on the receiving end of the loving regard of the parent
to grow and develop a healthy sense of self, clear boundaries and
feelings of worth.
Children who don’t receive this healthy
mirroring seem to have an innate sense of unworthiness because they
haven’t had these positive and wholesome qualities mirrored to them and
instead become over empathic towards others as this is what they were
subliminally programmed to do as children in order to be loveable
This goes some way to explaining how the narcissist /
empath dynamic is enmeshed so deeply into a child’s field, psyche and
emotional make up and sets them up with a patterning for life to attract
lovers who mirror this inner dynamic of neglectful early love.
Benign neglect also occurs when a caretaker isn’t able to offer any
positive mirroring of a child’s growing intuition and encourage it but
instead criticises or contradicts it.
Benign neglect also occurs
when a child acts out but the adult can’t see the child is actually
taking on the adult’s suppressed or repressed shadow emotions or inner
child aspects. The adult usually ends up acting out and repeating their
own parental dynamic of abuse with their own child, becoming the abusive
parent to the child all over again.
I am offering a free
energetic scan until the end of October to identify the origin of these
patterns in you and show you how you can shift them.
Have you ever felt that the life you are living is not your own? Or have you ever felt trapped inside a heavy flesh suit of unprocessed pain and drama, that renders you helpless, unwittingly acting out the patterns, habits and choices handed down to you by your parents, grandparents and ancestors of old?
Perhaps you find
yourself enmeshed in the fabric of a spiritual or religious community and in
spite of a sense of “belonging” you feel that you are caught in a web of
unending emotional process, confused as to your soul’s real purpose and drifting
in the midst of it all?
As stagnant and
swallowed down pain stirs from the depths inside and rises to the surface, stop
for a moment. Breathe and know that you are not alone.
If the overwhelm
accompanies you throughout your day, if chaos is the dominant landscape of your
inner or outer world, if you are encountering traumatic emotions that make you
feel out of control and you are struggling with confusion, grief, rage, shame, fear,
panic, jealousy, lust or loneliness, then stop. Again. And breathe. Again. Know
once again, that you are not alone.
Like aged time
capsules buried in the depths of your body and psyche, these libraries of
memory are rising up to the surface of your awareness in response to the
immense light and solar radiation currently colliding with the planet. These
forces are catalytic, relentless and raising the vibration of the collective,
willing or not.
Purging is a mysterious process.
Through experiencing without attachment, through your
witnessing or being seen without judgement, through feelings which have
remained hidden in blind anxieties and empty worries, your liberation is in
Old traumas emerge like the sudden and stark peal of church
bells, an unwelcome uprising bursting through into your awareness, melting like
the thawing snow and disappearing…if…you remain open and willing to be the
landing strip for such flights of grief to depart.
However, this process threatens the very foundation of life
as we know it. It threatens our status quo.
“Make no mistake about it – enlightenment
is a destructive process.
Ithas nothing to do with becoming better or being
Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretence. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” – Adyashanti
In the wake of numerous scandals in political, religious,
sporting, showbiz and especially new age and spiritual circles, it is evident
that as the facades of pretence drop away and our illusions are cast aside, we
are hurtling towards an era of mass planetary and collective awakening.
As you experience your own dysfunctions, reactions and
triggers, consider reframing them as symptoms of your inner movement towards
freedom. As Adyanshanti says, on the path to enlightenment, the incoming
frequencies of enlightenment exert a pressure on all the ‘untruths’ that are inside
‘you’. This includes letting go of identified parts of your ego and that can literally
feel as painful as losing a limb.
Diamonds are created in the earth’s crust by gravity weighing
down and compacting hardened vegetation over millions of years until a precious
jewel is formed. Your higher self applies similar pressure and weighs down on all
the rotting vegetation of ‘self’ within you that isn’t aligned with your
highest potential, until your awakened and embodied soul emerges free of the
debris of your conditioning, into radiant clarity, wholeness and awareness.
When you are confronted with obstacles, consider that you
are being invited to lighten the load and let go of all unnecessary aspects of
yourself. It’s not until the moment after you have given up your attachment to
something that you can see how deeply it cost your wellbeing, happiness and
prosperity. As the light pushes deeper and deeper into your psychic underbelly,
these stubborn aspects of ‘self’ are expelled from your core towards the
surface of your daily life where they can be seen in all their familiar glory.
A certain amount of chaos and discomfort may ensue as you are forced to
confront these free floating fragments of ancestral and family ‘selves’ that
were buried deep within you causing untold grief.
However, these inherited traits can only plague you if you identify
them as ‘yourself’ and fail to see them as mere patterns that play out in your
life. Recognise that you have a choice to let go of anything that is not aligned
with your true ‘essence’.
This is the genuine destiny of awakening that waits for each
person at the coal face of their lives. In contrast, many seekers are sold down
the river, seduced by the glitz and glamour of the shiny lights of idealised paths
pimped by the New Age.
Awakening is not to be found in becoming a reiki “Master” in
three weekends for the price of two or in the saccharin sweet messages of the
latest Ascended Master Oracle Deck to soothe you in your woes.
Awakening is not transmitted through semi naked social media
tantra goddesses who peddle exorbitant courses, coaching and multi-level
marketing products for a sexier, more savvy, abundant and orgasmic you.
Awakening is not about witchy or hocus pocus healing rituals
or the recitals of sacred mantras in ancient tongues to petition the Gods for grace,
gifts and healing. It is not about using mysticism to transcend the suffering
of the ordinary life lived by most.
Awakening is not about dressing up in the latest yoga
apparel or fair-traded tribal throwback clothing or belonging to a Law of
Attraction fuelled, inner clique of self-proclaimed elite super beings who bless
their workshop participants with their high vibes and divine presence.
Awakening is not to be found in new age shops or mind, body
& spirit shows. Nor is it about fuelling spiritual beliefs that objects
such as shiny crystals, magic wands, flower of life symbols on jewellery, tarot
decks and cosmic pyramids hold the keys to unlock inner wisdom or for healing
and grace to unfold.
In an age where so many hunger for truth, seeking quick
fixes, bypassing the deep and at times turgid inner work, the new age punts its
trinkets like the snake oil salesmen of old. So many desire to free themselves,
escape their bodies and shirk their responsibilities, using the New Age to bypass
taking ownership for their actions, shadows, negative patterns or neuroses.
This emergent brand of new age consumerism and spiritual
materialism is toxic. It’s a cunning game of subterfuge enhanced by celebrity and
guru endorsements. It continues to dress up anything remotely tribal, ancient
or cosmic as the ‘key to liberation, awakening and blissful being’…for a handsome
price of course.
This pernicious age of exploitation, misinformation and
narcissistic self-serving gurudom encourages the proliferation of yet more traps
and distractions that conceal the true inner pathways back to Source.
As the dust settles from the stampedes of spiritual consumers
seeking exotic, esoteric, astral and shiny new selves, those that choose to
walk the path less travelled, go largely unnoticed. They remain invisible and, like
Moses, refuse to perform magical acts of hugging the masses or healing for the
gratification of impressing their followers. Working within their communities
of family, friends, peers and clients, they seek no glory for shining their
light so that others may traverse the inner depths. Many labour away in the shadows
and in the anonymity of ordinariness, stoically moving through intense and
difficult feelings with steadfast discipline and patience, unseen save for the
miraculous frequencies they anchor for the planet.
There is a certain safety and ease that comes with the
territory of the collective avoidance which blinds the vast majority through
the shared customs and social norms of externalising, disembodying, desensitising
and ceiling surfing. It can be so seductive to follow the latest guru, yoga style
or dietary fad in the flawed belief that one’s suffering can be addressed in
such a quick fix manner.
It’s so easy when we look round and no one else is being
real, while desperately trying to conceal their inner turmoil and secret
obsessions. In our collective trance state, living lies is the norm. Such
collusion is commonplace, and yet it never quite goes away like the incessantly
barking dog at night, no matter how many mantras are recited or ablutions to
the guru’s feet are made.
Environmental destruction, the loss of our forests, the
poisoning of our soils and seas and the plight of the homeless, the poverty
stricken and the refugees are all the inevitable consequence of such a lack of
personal and collective stewardship of our deeper emotions and soul impulses.
We can no longer live in denial. As we enter this universal power-wash,
as we surrender and let ourselves be stripped down and become willing to lose
all we held precious…the career ideals, the pride, the false humility, the
seething and long nurtured grudges, the delusions of grandeur, the little lies
we tell ourselves…everything we stuffed down starts rising to the surface and
then becomes a sink hole leading straight to hell.
You may notice your rickety fortress collapsing. LET IT.
Sit back and surrender…
Let the energy move through you. Not just through your mind.
But through your body, life, relationships and work.
Bring yourself back to your breath, to your spine and your
skin. Attune to the pure frequencies of nature and request only to align
yourself to a Source of the highest Truth.
Breathe and just allow yourself to ‘be’ as best as you can…for the one who dares to not know the ‘answers’ keeps journeying inwards to mine their own Source, refusing to abnegate responsibility to any external circumstance or force. They are like the butterfly that pushes out of the cocoon, emerging … tender, pure, whole and brand new… the diamond soul embodied within, resplendent and finally free to take flight unfettered by social, spiritual, karmic or ancestral baggage.
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