6Can you truely, madly, deeply be there for yourself, when noone else can…?
Are you ready to take up the mantle of ‘keeper and guardian’ of your original innocence (inner~sense)?
Ultimately, we are the only ones who can be there for ourselves, when all else falls away.
There will come a time, when we feel let down, abandoned or betrayed by
life, our health or another’s actions, and left to our own devices, we
come crashing down to ground zero where the dream of our constructed
reality can no longer soothe our broken soul.
Sitting in this
profound place of ‘aloneness’, and meeting whatever pain, hurt and
anguish shows up, literally builds your resilience to enter more deeply
into these places and retrieve them.
These moments of heart break
and breakdown ironically cause you to step closer to the epicentre of
your suffering and turn inwards to confront it.
In meeting
yourself head on and coming to terms with the full power of your deepest
longing inevitably triggers a profound purging process.
In turn whether you realise it or not ~ a miracle begins to spread throughout your entire being.
The masks, manipulative acts and false ego structures all of which have
protected you from the pain of your core wounds, start to melt in the
intense heat within.
Some we were born into, others we
developed, nonetheless, all must go, as these fires rip through us,
leaving no place unsinged.
The idealisation that another can give us those things we didn’t receive as children also dissolves back from where it came.
That which is true, eternal and free remains uncombustible. All that is false and fake drops away.
As we burn off all the layers of unconsciousness, codependency and victimhood, the more revitalised we become.
Our fierce and primal innocence emerges intact from these wild fires of our once fettered souls.
Ironically, we have spent entire life times seeking succour outside
ourselves, only to find this ally, we always sought, was always right
here within.
Where wild infernos once laid waste to entire landscapes, a sacred flame now burns gently in the sanctuary of our heart.
This passion, now harnessed, feeds our soul, accompanies our inner child and guides us on our way home.
Dissolving the myth of soul mates and embracing your own wholeness
The Myth of The One leads us on a merry and wild goose chase. The addiction of seeking love in another before we have anchored it within ourselves causes no end of disappointments, suffering, trauma and discarded relationships, all carrying the same repeating patterns.
I was recently interviewed by love and sex expert Laurie Handlers on her highly acclaimed radio show about soul mates and meeting the One and why we have been sold a myth about love not only by popular culture but also by the new age. Laurie is an incredibly knowledgeable and experienced woman and it was a privelege to have this conversation with her.
Many of us lacked an accepting, acknowledging and attuned presence in our
early upbringing.
I call this this type of experience, “benign neglect” and it is incredibly
common place in the majority of clients that I see and it leaves invisible
scars that show up later in life as being out of sorts, disassociated,
depressed, ill and getting trapped in self defeating and relational trauma
loops.
It can lead to self loathing, emptiness and addictions as we desperately
seek to fill this void handed down to us.
Yet it is in the main intangible and goes below the radar of what causes
most people to go from one relationship / healing modality to another and still
not get to the roots of what plagues them because a training in this type of
space holding is rare and subtle.
More often than not these roots go back generations or past lives and it
takes a specialist space holder to pull these frequencies and patterns out without
getting enmeshed. I am so grateful to my gestalt psychotherapy training for
imbueing me with this clarity and my Other trainings with Chung Fu and Mas
Sajady that have deepened and held me with so much grace and awareness.
This form of absence of parental presence tends to cause untold damage as
the developing child within us can’t sense its own innate beauty and wholeness
in its imperfections and emotional loss and instead feels shame, lack,
inferiority and dis-ease where it should have developed an embodied sense of
goodness, emotions and healthy knowing of boundaries of self and other.
For this self honouring builds within us a healthy physical container in
which we can house and connect with Source and feel that brilliance that is the
essence of divinity itself that resides within us all.
We all need this level of clean reflection to see what is holding us back
that has become so habituated and yet is somehow not actually “us”.
In my radio show and post last week I discuss this phenomenon known as an
insufficient narcissistic supply – check out the passage below that absolutely
nails what we all need and melt back into your soul.
“There is a primordial longing wired into us as infants to be seen, for our
experience to be held, mirrored, and validated by another. In an environment of
embodied attunement, we are able to rest in the mystery of being. We can
explore unstructured states of consciousness and enter courageously into the
dark and into the light. In this sense, love is an alive field of presence in
which experience can unfold into greater levels of integration and cohesion.
From this perspective, “I love you” = “I allow you.” I allow you to have
your own experience, to organize and make meaning of the world in the way that
you do, and I will surround you with presence and with warmth even if I do not
understand you. Even if by being yourself I am triggered with surges of
previously unmet vulnerability and unmetabolized feeling, I allow you to be
what you are. While I will not allow you to abuse me or to act violently or
break the agreements and boundaries we have established, I will allow your
inner experience to be what it is. While I may turn from you in the external
world, I will not turn my heart off. Because I love you.
Many have heard of the term ‘holding environment,’ introduced by the great
British analyst Donald Winnicott, to describe this field of presence. We can
see that any good holding environment is made up of the essential qualities of
contact and space. Through making close, embodied contact with another as they
are – and by offering an attuned home in which their experience can unfold – we
become vehicles of love in action. We care so much and are willing to take the
risk of coming so close. We enter into intimate contact with another and their
experience as it is, but not so close that we lose perspective and become
emotionally fused with it. In this sacred middle territory we offer the gift of
our attuned presence.
Simultaneously, we infuse the other with the sacred offering of pure space.
For space is our true nature. By resting in the organic space of being, we seed
them with cosmic trust that their experience is valid, that we do not need them
to be different, to change, to become ‘awakened,’ to be in a ‘high vibration,’
or to ‘heal’ in order for us to love them. We will no longer place the burden
upon them to take care of our unlived lives and unmet emotions for us, and we
will honor their unique process and journey, by being there for them if (and
only if) we are needed.
While not talked about as much, we can provide this same contact and space
to ourselves. In any here and now moment, we can discover that our nature as
awareness itself is in fact the ultimate holding environment. While as an
infant we depended upon another to provide this environment for us, in which we
could rest in primordial beingness, it is actually here at all times. While we
deeply appreciate the ways in which the ‘other’ can remind us of this, it is
here now, pouring out of the unseen and soaking into every cell and strand of
our DNA. With eyes and a heart wide open… just look and you will feel it
surrounding you… right now.
While we may not always understand our experience – and while it may never
conform to our ideas, hopes, and dreams about the life we were ‘meant to live’
– we can come to trust that it is unfolding according to a unique blueprint
which is emerging out of the unseen hand of love.”
You are beauty and pragmatism personified – fire and brimstone in free flow
– primal life force is unleashed when you show.
So blessed are we who dare to know you – to feel you course through our
veins with wild abandon.
Yet so many supress, bury, constrict and constrain you.
Throttling the life force out of themselves in the process. A habit so
embedded, most rarely notice you. They are exhausted. Wrestling you takes its
toll in silent daily woe.
Fearing to let you run free and unabated, they assume would leave a trail of
ruin and devastation.
If only people realised you were the secret vigilante, a defender of
personal boundaries and self sovreignity, the protector from predators who live
in the shadows.
You are essential to survival – you warn of trickery, mindfuckery and
deceit…you enable us to move away from danger and let us know when someone
untrustworthy is afoot.
In intimacy, given the space…you reveal your deeper allies; grief,
distress and upset. When held safely, you shed tears that cleanse and can be
the harbinger of profound vulnerability and wisdom, that bond us deeply.
You are an enigma only known to the few.
When your fire is held and directed appropriately, your heat can warm the
hearth of intimacy and provide deep succour to souls hungering for truth.
You contain clues to past hurts, betrayals and traumas that when expressed
can release aeons of pain, illness and disassociation.
You are a messenger from the God within. You hold the charge of life inside
you. Often coded, enshrouded in confusion, you remain a mystery.
Yet so quick are we to misunderstand, villify and ostracise you.
There is so much desire to minimise you and malign you – mock you – belittle
you – ‘therap’ you – denigrate you – negate you – spiritualise you – project
all sorts of crap on to you.
You are so often deemed as negative by new agers and psychobabblers – why
does everyone try and rid themselves of you – bury you – desensitise and
medicate themselves until they can’t feel you.
You always appear with a purpose on purpose – a messenger of the soul on
fire – intimately connecting us to our vitality, libido and well-being.
You are the key that often opens the dungeons where we have long abandoned
our inner children, teaching us of our (ancestral) patterns of self-compromise,
disempowerment, neglect, family shame and unfinished business.
So often the victim of blame, gaslighting and neglect, you have been
terribly treated and misused.
You can deliver thunderbolts of truth that ‘out’ those with false and
disingenuine agendas.
You are rarely welcome.
You don’t care because you don’t give a shit about status, status quo or
consensus when your inner sanctuary is being intruded upon.
You seek justice. Truth. Equality. Respect. Healthy individuation.
Aho anger. Now it is time to honour and welcome you.
There is a bogus new age notion that you can’t feel other people’s feelings. There is talk that there’s no such thing as projection and that everything you sense is yours ~ a reflection of you and your unconscious emerging. So if you are in pain. It’s always yours. If you are angry, feeling grief, it can never be someone else’s who you’ve picked up on and are holding…
B U L L S H I T
This is another form of gaslighting, of (new age) people taking half baked truths, and making them apply to their popular psychology teachings, modalities and completely dismissing the mechanics of the universe.
I trained as a gestalt psychotherapist, before my psychic, soul healing and quantum embodiment trainings. I studied, projection, transference, counter-transference, introjects, confluence and so on. All the ways, emotions become unclear between two people or intrapsychically within oneself and one’s own sense of self.
Field theory is a psychological theory (more precisely: Topological and vector psychology) which examines patterns of interaction between the individual and the total field, or environment. The concept first made its appearance in psychology with roots to the holistic perspective of Gestalt theories through the gestalt psychologist Kirt Lewin.
In a nutshell – we supress many of our feelings and we are also born into environments where much information is supressed through the generations and we are born with it in our DNA, we absorb it in vitro or in early childhood and we assume this to be us and our way of life.
So it’s difficult to actually pinpoint when something is ours, and when we project and when we have absorbed someone else’s stuff and are processing this.
Many people are acutely empathic and absorbant and pick up on these energies around others and to some extent this is how psychics work, feeling these energies and discarnate beings on the other side of the veil.
Some of us will inadvertently absorb another’s pain, grief or anger. We may or may not spot this and help the other to express or emote it and it clears and everyone feels better.
At other times, we become anchors for others to feel or worse still we are dumping grounds where they come, wipe their feet on the door mat, leave their muck and depart lighter while we take the brunt and feel heavier.
We must take responsibility too for any rescuing, martyrdom and misunderstanding around healing and boundaries in these scenarios too.
A narcissistic way of seeing this would be to point the finger in these situations and say it is ALL the other’s stuff…(gaslighting) this is because a narcissist has to some extent, either in totality (clinical definition) or partially cut themselves off from their authentic self and their inner world where their pain hides.
Their authentic self actually merges into the field where other more receptive people absorb and feel it because they too don’t have a defined sense of self either.
The narcissist can act out their fantasy of who they are, while their true inner world goes elsewhere with in the field. A narcissist however needs a container and a feed to sustain themselves because they have cut themselves off from their own source…their emotions.
So they will replace this externally and find an absorbant person with poor discernment and charm them or worse still, teach them new age concepts, that what they are feeling is theirs. In this way, the narcissist has a host who they can predate upon. Firstly to absorb their gunk, secondly to feed off the life force of the ‘victim’.
The ‘victim’ gains a sense of purpose from and also inadvertently feeds upon the emotions in the field (not their own), because ironically they have also been buried under misconceptions of their true identity, their true feelings and are not able to differentiate between the two.
They are often codependent needing to support others or absorb their feelings to feel useful and needed. This is also the faulty imprint for romantic relationships once the passion has worn off a little and these patterns emerge.
Yet neither is actually to blame. Because it comes down to physics. We have one person who’s sense of identity comes from taking on another’s stuff and another who’s identity comes from giving their stuff to another. So two sides of the same coin, in effect. Victim and perpetrator.
Not quite symbiotic though as the narcissist tends to suck the victim dry, so more parasitic, but with some mutual benefits in the earlier parts, or with people with mild narcissistic tendencies, these things can work quite well together in a mergy co-dependent sort of way where there’s mutual dysfunction.
The difference with a narcissist is that they push their stuff on to the field. You may sense it, but often can’t stop yourself from acting it out. Then they tell you – you are the angry, emotional, teary one, and make you wrong for it. This is the crazy making part of it all. This is the essence of gaslighting.
You end up emoting another’s feelings, then confuse this as you, act it out, try and give it back and then get condemned as the crazy one.
Narcissists thrive on a merged and ill defined field with poor interpersonal boundaries – many people who are traumatised have these qualities and are often found in the new age where tribe vibe feel good tendencies create the perfect breeding ground for this dynamic to flourish.
The perfect way to counter this is to start to define yourself. Get to know your breathing patterns especially under stress and triggers as well as tracking the physical edges and boundaries of your body during meditation, ritual and group process. This way, you begin to own yourself, your personal energy field, your body and take responsibility for your cocreations in each given moment.
If you’d like to discuss clearing these patterns in more detail get in touch
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