Benign Neglect, Narcissism & Recovering from Abuse
One of the most common and destructive forms of abuse I come across in
clients is the consequence of what I call ‘benign neglect’.
It’s like the poison gas they used in trench warfare in WW2.
It’s invisible, quiet and deadly. Before you know it, you’re choking on
it and your very survival is at stake unless you have a gas mask to
protect yourself and even then you could be screwed.
this phenomenon in clients when they talk about their childhood
experiences, when seeking support to crack through an abuse patterning
this neglect legacy has imprinted into their bodies, psyche, emotional,
energetic and quantum systems.
Ironically, as we dig into the
wider quantum field via the body, emotions and what is currently showing
up in their lives, a gut wrenching and soul destroying sense of shame
sometimes reveals itself as the cloaking mechanism that protects them
from having to experience the profound levels of neglect or abuse they
experienced at a younger age, again.
On top of this shame, that
is difficult in of itself to penetrate, as it protects them from such
pain, sits a further survivor mechanism.
Pride that they made something of themselves and became who they are today.
This split helps compensate for the original trauma, by burying these
unaddressed feelings and hauling the person out of the pits of this
inner hell, to recover and make something of themselves.
Good on them.
The original wounding remains however.
It emits signals that influence a person’s life undetected, causing all sorts of chaos, upset and emotional mayhem.
The body and its quantum field of co-creation never lie.
Clients often present in a session as being a hapless victim of an
illness, reoccurring depression, an addiction, narcissistic abuse, a
neglectful friend and they just can’t seem to break out of it.
They have tried everything – you name it and yet the cycle persists, stuck to them like shit on a blanket.
The thing is, when a parent, caretaker or teacher isn’t able to offer
the child’s psyche at the time, the understanding, validation and
reparatory measures that could address the original issue, it is likely
that it imprints a form of ‘benign neglect’ into their system that
becomes their modus operandi of selfcare.
In addition, the child
may split off the aspect of themselves that was wounded and
insufficiently reinforced, validated and soothed, burying it as there
was not the sufficient mirroring of acceptance for that aspect of self
To split off from this pain and the associated
feelings that surround it, and bury it, is a natural defense mechanism
of the human psyche.
Benign neglect imbues children with a weak
core self, which in turn imprints their bodies with a low sense of worth
and entitlement to basic respect which in turn programmes their
personal aura to accept patterns of abuse from others that match the
original settings that have been cast in time.
These patterns appear to be passed on unconsciously and generationally.
Benign neglect of this kind tends to happen also when the parent isn’t
sufficiently connected to themselves and their own source of self love
so they can’t give their loving attention to a child and instead end up
inverting the parenting process forcing or seducing the child to give
them the attention, affection or love they never got.
subverts the flow of love and creates a reversal of polarities in the
child, so the child ends up parenting the parent at the tender age where
they should be on the receiving end of the loving regard of the parent
to grow and develop a healthy sense of self, clear boundaries and
feelings of worth.
Children who don’t receive this healthy
mirroring seem to have an innate sense of unworthiness because they
haven’t had these positive and wholesome qualities mirrored to them and
instead become over empathic towards others as this is what they were
subliminally programmed to do as children in order to be loveable
This goes some way to explaining how the narcissist /
empath dynamic is enmeshed so deeply into a child’s field, psyche and
emotional make up and sets them up with a patterning for life to attract
lovers who mirror this inner dynamic of neglectful early love.
Benign neglect also occurs when a caretaker isn’t able to offer any
positive mirroring of a child’s growing intuition and encourage it but
instead criticises or contradicts it.
Benign neglect also occurs
when a child acts out but the adult can’t see the child is actually
taking on the adult’s suppressed or repressed shadow emotions or inner
child aspects. The adult usually ends up acting out and repeating their
own parental dynamic of abuse with their own child, becoming the abusive
parent to the child all over again.
I am offering a free
energetic scan until the end of October to identify the origin of these
patterns in you and show you how you can shift them.
The Conversation Noone Wants To Have – How To Recover After Severe Narcissistic Abuse
Our psychological make up is complex and most of us have an authentic
self as well as an egoic self that at some point in our lives took a
blow, a trauma, or a narcissistic injury to our self image and coexists
along side our inner self. Both have a part to play in our lives.
Our unique narcissistic injury carries a signature, that we are usually
not aware of. At some point this signature, like a drop of blood in the
ocean, attracts predators if we are not aware of our patterns and
tending to it ourselves through doing the deep work of self reclamation
outside of relationship. Some predators, such as sharks, can smell a
single drop of blood from over a mile away .
wound is both our weak point and our sweet spot, in that it contains the
keys to our ultimate healing and salvation, yet it is also exactly what
the person with a narcissistic personality disorder (PwND) senses and
seeks out, as any predator would, because they sense a weakness.
Resting in your own body and enjoying your own inner resource of love
is the ultimate aphrodisiac to a PwND – they have no such connection and
literally feed off the love in you that you take for granted. A PwND
will always want a piece of what you have – not you for your sweet
little self – but for the Source of love within you. This is the
fundamental error victims of PwNDs fall into, thinking the love bombing
they are receiving has anything to do with them being loveable.
PwND doesn’t want your golden eggs; they have a bigger agenda ~ they
are after the goose that lays them. The PwND literally seeks to hustle
you and separate you from this Source of love that animates through you
and to harvest it for themselves, so you are literally left emptied out
and cast by the roadside.
One thing you notice if you ever
challenge a PwND, is that, their narrative of events never matches up to
yours, and yet their version of events may sound so plausible you begin
to doubt yourself as it also makes you feel like the crazy one, even
though the energy of their behaviour as you experience through your
authentic self feels OFF and WRONG – it’s as if there’s a huge schism
between how they present and what you experience under the surface –
it’s highly confusing and unsettling – this is a phenomenon known as
cognitive dissonance where there’s a duplicity occurring creating
Their narcissistic injury is so severe they
are actually incapable of loving another, displaying authentic
compassion or taking any accountability for their actions or impact on
you – they have to deflect, gaslight and project for their survival and
avoid any contact with their own narcissistic injury – it’s as if they
are cast helplessly as the mirror in the Greek myth of Narcissus and
they are unable to be their true selves. They are trapped in this way
and destined to always mirror back to you a false identity of themselves
engineered to prey on you because they’ve actually disconnected from
their source of love and what it is that makes them human.
a PwND has been and gone in our lives, I believe the psychic fall out
and after shock ie the post traumatic stress of having your core self
ravaged and plundered as a resource without really realizing what was
going on ~ is the biggest thing to over come. It sends the majority of
victims into a state of shock that can be very difficult to understand
and recover from because there is literally a gaping chasm where it
feels as if a chunk of your soul’s flesh has literally been eaten out.
It is actually akin to soul rape. It is so devastating, most victims
find themselves unable to just relax back into themselves. Many feel
depleted and disorientated and strangely separated out from their
bodies. It is as if victims become separated from their own Source
BECAUSE they have been vicariously siphoned and attacked in order for
the PwNPD to gain the maximum juice from your soul – it usually happens
in a way that totally bypasses a victim’s radar of awareness. A PwND is
accustomed to specializing in stealth looting that strangley leaves no
physical or discernable mark.
I suspect this is because the
majority of the misdemeanours of a PwND are psychic or discarnate in
nature and target early childhood patterning, trauma as well as
ancestral patterns that are the actual origin of these weak spots.
The whole shitstick of this situation is that a person who has suffered
this sort of violation can become stuck in victim and blame mentality
as a way of desperately trying to get their energy back and reset
themselves to Source but as you will be aware, that never seems to work
– desperately reading up on Narcissistic people or trying to tell
others never actually resolves anything and it’s yet more disempowering
to get embroiled in this way as it doesn’t heal or give us a sense of
replenishment in the face of the energy we seem to have lost.
Victims of a PwND need to understand how to get back into their bodies,
look into their own narcissistic injuries, weak boundaries and relating
patterns as part of their recovery. This will bring them back to
themselves and aids to reconnect to the Source that originally resourced
them before the relationship began. It can require some embodiment
practices as well as careful facilitation in how to unpick what has
happened and disentangle yourself. It requires a profound self
reclamation process and an honouring of yourself for all you have lost
and ultimately a return to reclaiming your part in taking responsibility
for the patterns you run that led to you getting duped in the first
Once you have started to become aware of your own
narcissistic injury and patterns of codependency where you unconsciously
reenact personal or ancestral patterns of victimhood, you can begin to
That feeling you get when you name and cleanly and compassionately hand someone back their distorted projections / judgements about you… and they see it, admit it, but then try and get into further justifications because their ego doesn’t like getting rumbled…as that signals the death knell of that energetic dynamic that feeds off you to sustain itself.
By projecting this trait outside of themselves and on to
you, the other can avoid dropping into these messy places within
themselves, they have yet to explore and instead get that ego lift at
This is especially tough, because it means the one
who does this has to confront those pained places they had conveniently
avoided in themselves and judged and then dumped onto you instead of
doing ‘the inner work’.
I immediately noticed that imperceptible
heavy feeling I was under lift straight off as I handed back this person
what was theirs to work through…what a relief to see the fog lift and
how incredibly liberating…we are simply not built to process other
people’s pain for them.
When we take on other people’s
unprocessed wounds and end up trying to synthesize them as our own…we
get ill, tired and feel low and drained as we try and work through their
shadow stuff…and guess what? it just won’t clear…because quite
simply its not ours and its actually not our emotional body’s
responsibility or role to do it.
This can be rooted in our
childhood patterns where we took on the family stuff, in order to be
loveable…or we were just born into this gloop and just have a tendency
or imprint to merge and take these things on.
Regardless of origin, its like putting petrol in a diesel engine…
This can be entirely innocent and easily resolved with someone if you are both wanting to get conscious and work through and own your stuff.
And yet it can also be how a narcissist tries to control and feed off
you by inundating you with not only their darkest pain, but a whole load
of other psychic goodies intended to weaken you and deepen the effects
of this dynamic so they can harness the power of your emotional
These are crucial skills to develop and spot your own blindspots.
To know your own psyche…to clear your deeper wounds, to face your
hunger and where you seek out to enact unsconscious and self destrcutive
dynamics with others out of conditioning is essential.
clear these things and become more embodied, you start to fully occupy
and own your own space with the radiance of your unbounded spirit…so
the tendency for others to push their unprocessed stuff into you
unnoticed becomes a thing of the past…because quite simply…there is
no longer any room for them to target any unaddressed codependency or
hunger for filling yourself externally where you are not taking
responsibility for yourself.
Each time you show up for yourself
and heal these places, you close the door on that intrusive energy and
those destructive patterns from entering your field, until finally, they
no longer can get in and stop coming your way.
There is a bogus new age notion that you can’t feel other people’s feelings. There is talk that there’s no such thing as projection and that everything you sense is yours ~ a reflection of you and your unconscious emerging. So if you are in pain. It’s always yours. If you are angry, feeling grief, it can never be someone else’s who you’ve picked up on and are holding…
B U L L S H I T
This is another form of gaslighting, of (new age) people taking half baked truths, and making them apply to their popular psychology teachings, modalities and completely dismissing the mechanics of the universe.
I trained as a gestalt psychotherapist, before my psychic, soul healing and quantum embodiment trainings. I studied, projection, transference, counter-transference, introjects, confluence and so on. All the ways, emotions become unclear between two people or intrapsychically within oneself and one’s own sense of self.
Field theory is a psychological theory (more precisely: Topological and vector psychology) which examines patterns of interaction between the individual and the total field, or environment. The concept first made its appearance in psychology with roots to the holistic perspective of Gestalt theories through the gestalt psychologist Kirt Lewin.
In a nutshell – we supress many of our feelings and we are also born into environments where much information is supressed through the generations and we are born with it in our DNA, we absorb it in vitro or in early childhood and we assume this to be us and our way of life.
So it’s difficult to actually pinpoint when something is ours, and when we project and when we have absorbed someone else’s stuff and are processing this.
Many people are acutely empathic and absorbant and pick up on these energies around others and to some extent this is how psychics work, feeling these energies and discarnate beings on the other side of the veil.
Some of us will inadvertently absorb another’s pain, grief or anger. We may or may not spot this and help the other to express or emote it and it clears and everyone feels better.
At other times, we become anchors for others to feel or worse still we are dumping grounds where they come, wipe their feet on the door mat, leave their muck and depart lighter while we take the brunt and feel heavier.
We must take responsibility too for any rescuing, martyrdom and misunderstanding around healing and boundaries in these scenarios too.
A narcissistic way of seeing this would be to point the finger in these situations and say it is ALL the other’s stuff…(gaslighting) this is because a narcissist has to some extent, either in totality (clinical definition) or partially cut themselves off from their authentic self and their inner world where their pain hides.
Their authentic self actually merges into the field where other more receptive people absorb and feel it because they too don’t have a defined sense of self either.
The narcissist can act out their fantasy of who they are, while their true inner world goes elsewhere with in the field. A narcissist however needs a container and a feed to sustain themselves because they have cut themselves off from their own source…their emotions.
So they will replace this externally and find an absorbant person with poor discernment and charm them or worse still, teach them new age concepts, that what they are feeling is theirs. In this way, the narcissist has a host who they can predate upon. Firstly to absorb their gunk, secondly to feed off the life force of the ‘victim’.
The ‘victim’ gains a sense of purpose from and also inadvertently feeds upon the emotions in the field (not their own), because ironically they have also been buried under misconceptions of their true identity, their true feelings and are not able to differentiate between the two.
They are often codependent needing to support others or absorb their feelings to feel useful and needed. This is also the faulty imprint for romantic relationships once the passion has worn off a little and these patterns emerge.
Yet neither is actually to blame. Because it comes down to physics. We have one person who’s sense of identity comes from taking on another’s stuff and another who’s identity comes from giving their stuff to another. So two sides of the same coin, in effect. Victim and perpetrator.
Not quite symbiotic though as the narcissist tends to suck the victim dry, so more parasitic, but with some mutual benefits in the earlier parts, or with people with mild narcissistic tendencies, these things can work quite well together in a mergy co-dependent sort of way where there’s mutual dysfunction.
The difference with a narcissist is that they push their stuff on to the field. You may sense it, but often can’t stop yourself from acting it out. Then they tell you – you are the angry, emotional, teary one, and make you wrong for it. This is the crazy making part of it all. This is the essence of gaslighting.
You end up emoting another’s feelings, then confuse this as you, act it out, try and give it back and then get condemned as the crazy one.
Narcissists thrive on a merged and ill defined field with poor interpersonal boundaries – many people who are traumatised have these qualities and are often found in the new age where tribe vibe feel good tendencies create the perfect breeding ground for this dynamic to flourish.
The perfect way to counter this is to start to define yourself. Get to know your breathing patterns especially under stress and triggers as well as tracking the physical edges and boundaries of your body during meditation, ritual and group process. This way, you begin to own yourself, your personal energy field, your body and take responsibility for your cocreations in each given moment.
If you’d like to discuss clearing these patterns in more detail get in touch
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